Here are some seemingly unanswerable questions. When do you reach “Enough is enough”? How much more can you take? When will you believe you deserve better? How can a relationship go from matrimony to misery in such a short time?
I have spent the last year of my life trying to untangle the web of confusion that became my rock bottom. My ex husband was outgoing, confident, cocky and wanted to be around me ALL the time. He showered me with affection and attention. I thought wow, I’ve hit the jackpot but there was something off…a dark place. I never felt like I knew everything about him. He had a troubled past that he spoke about and as a codependent I saw the “potential” in the relationship. If I could just help him with “this” we could have “that”.
I married a Narcissist. How wonderful would it have been to actually know the true dangers of this disorder prior to my journey, but then this is one of life’s true paradigms. The Destructive Attraction Between Codependents and Narcissists.
After I was sucked-in everything changed, SO negative and judgmental toward everyone including my family and my children. He could do nothing wrong but found fault in everyone else. He was also abusing drugs and alcohol and it was getting worse by the second. I felt trapped trying to hold it together and shield the world from what was going on behind our wall. I spent most of my marriage confused….How did I get here? It isn’t suppose to be like this…my life isn’t suppose to end like this! I told him I was miserable and he assured me I was crazy and that we had a perfect relationship. We were a “Power Couple”. I prayed for God to take it all ….I was literally out of options.
Next month marks a year since I was plucked out of that storm and set on a new course. I was given the strength to sever the relationship with zero contact. After a narcissistic rage fueled by addiction, I locked the door and informed him “today it changes for me” and I meant it. I was tortured with guilt over giving up. For some reason, I needed him to understand why I wanted more for my life however I realized I had grown weak from his manipulation. Any contact would have been futile, his lies and my sympathy would have been a lethal combination to no end.
Everything I had ever wanted to say was said over the course of our relationship, in my pleads for change. I LET GO………. If anyone reading this is struggling in this type of relationship, the ONLY thing you can do is save yourself. When someone treats you with this level of disrespect it is unfathomable for them to change. Research this disorder and possibly your own codependent behaviors. Knowledge is power and strength. Stop waiting ….you aren’t speaking the same language. Their language is deceit, manipulation and control. Stop talking, create a barrier and change your course, today!