SHOW NOTES:
On this show…we will be finding our voices and speaking up! Gone are the days of passively watching life unfold before your eyes. A silent bystander in your own story. It’s time to communicate in a kind but direct way, what you want, need, and desire. Whether you’re afraid to rock the boat or worried that you won’t be able to control the volume once you get started, there is a positive and healthy alternative for you. If Encouragementology has opened your eyes to anything it’s that you have the power to change what isn’t working. First, you have to understand it isn’t working, then you need to be willing to change your perspective and take action.
We’ve all heard things like “use your inside voice”, “speak up I can’t hear you” (well maybe not me lol) “do you know how to whisper”, “be direct”, “say what you mean” – There seem to be numerous ways and lots of rules when it comes to using your voice. You’re never going to get it 100% right and really? Who wrote the rules.
What happens if you don’t communicate your wants, needs, and desires to those you love? You don’t get them. No one is a mind reader and some of it SHOULD be common sense but you can’t rely on everyone’s ability to do the kindest and most responsible thing. Sometimes it takes you leading the way.
What about communicating fears, challenges, and boundaries? The same thing goes. It takes you, finding your voice, speaking up, and realizing people will treat you the way they want unless you show them how you want to be treated.
Kit Stone wrote an article for Rewire called Communicating Your Needs Isn’t Selfish, It’s Selfless
Some people have more experience communicating their needs than others. To get into this type of conversation, Rose suggests a four-step process of “naming what you need and asking for how to remedy your emotions” that doesn’t attack or place blame and allows you room to speak from your heart.
- Describe your observations
- Name how the situation makes you feel
- State what you need
- Make a specific request
We explore boundaries as a way to feel free to speak your mind…Creating healthy boundaries can be hard enough. Knowing you need to make a change in your life and then being willing to let go, move on, distance, or eliminate can be life-changing. But when you don’t clearly communicate your wishes, it can be futile
I found a good evaluation in Boundary Setting and Healthy Communication from the Georgia Way
Here are some examples of Healthy Boundaries
- Appropriate trust. Moving step by step into intimacy – emotionally and physically.
- Staying focused on your own growth.
- Maintaining personal values despite what others want.
- Noticing and speaking up when someone invades your boundaries.
- Trusting your own decisions.
- Knowing who you are and what you want.
- Self-respect – not putting too much hope in someone else.
- Recognizing that friends and family are not mindreaders.
- Not allowing someone to take advantage of you and your generosity.
- Saying “No” to food, gifts, touch, and sex that you do not want.
And here are some examples of Unhealthy boundaries
- Trusting no one or trusting everyone.
- Letting others define you, direct you, and/or describe your reality.
- Going against personal values or rights to please another person.
- Allowing someone to take as much as they want from you.
- Falling in love with someone who reaches out, or with a new acquaintance.
- Telling all and talking at an intimate level at the first meeting.
- Expecting others to fulfill your needs.
- Believing others can anticipate your needs.
- Being sexual for your partner, not yourself.
- Sexual and physical abuse.
We talk about the interruption technology is having on meaningful communication…We have multiple communication devices at our fingertips for the better part of a day but can’t seem to get our point across or our true feelings understood. We make quick judgments and move on to the next person. We shorten our response to just logistical responses and never get past a shallow intent.
What is happening to us as a society from not being able to adequately communicate our feelings? It’s as if we’ve been given a global coloring book and asked to stay between the lines. There is article after article strongly communicating opinions and asking you to join their march or is a hunt. Social media has given a soapbox to anyone who can type a post and texting has replaced the need to look someone in the eye to get your point across.
Melissa Nilles wrote and an article entitled: Technology is Destroying the Quality of Human Interaction What I find interesting and a little sad is that this article was written in 2012 – here we are 8 years later and instead of moving in the right direction, we’ve created even more and faster avenues for the same behaviors.
Finding your voice can look different for different people. Not everyone struggles with asserting themselves and communicating their ideas. Not everyone is in need of healthier boundaries, not everyone struggles with self-confidence, not everyone relies on social media or technology to keep them connected.
But everyone can identify with a need to communicate your wants, needs, desires, challenges, and fears in a healthy and nurturing way. You can go with the flow not making waves or you can flap your arms and swim. It’s your choice.
Kathy Caprino gives us 5 Steps To Speaking Up Powerfully When You Feel You Can’t
#1: Examine what you learned in childhood.
#2: Get very clear about what you need to say, and have that conversation.
#3: Be the highest version of yourself when you communicate.
#4: Understand the ecosystem and the individual you’re dealing with.
#5: Prepare for the consequences
Many people resist speaking up for themselves because they dislike angering others. If you’re striving every minute to make everyone happy, then you’re not making yourself happy, and you’re not saying and doing what needs to be done to live a successful, fulfilling life.
CHALLENGE: Find the courage to speak up so you can honor your own boundaries, clarify what is not acceptable to you, and start living a happier, healthier, more empowered life.
I Know YOU Can Do It!