SHOW NOTES:
On this show…we’re talking about LOVE! Not blinded by, crazy in, or even unconditional without boundaries. We’re exploring healthy, inspiring, and encouraging love. It’s not just about how you love but how you accept love. Do you demonstrate the type of love you’re looking for? What about control in the name of love…..yep that’s a real thing too. Love is defined as an intense feeling of deep affection. Sounds like an emotion that you feel, it’s yours. What about love as a verb: to like or desire (something) very much: to take great pleasure in. Wreckless love that is driven by expectations without boundaries can be dangerous love. Let’s explore loving with a gentle touch.
I’ve had a lot of time to reflect and consider love from many angles during my lifetime. I think the way we view love evolves as we grow and our needs and desires change and morph.
Let’s explore the different types of love, hopefully hitting on one you cherish and a few you need to re-evaluate. After all, we are sharing, learning, and growing.
Love stretches wide and deep to encompass the passionate affair you experience as your first love, the heart-pounding love you feel when you see your child for the first time, and the gentle love you feel for your parents as they grow older. A common thread throughout each of these types of love is care and consideration for someone. Ultimately, that care and consideration are best expressed through the word “compassion.”
Compassion is a concern for the welfare and well-being of others. Compassion does not necessarily require a focused love to exist but is often thought of as a form of love in and of itself: a love for humankind as a whole. Compassion is argued to be the bedrock for kindness and selflessness, as compassion focuses attention outward rather than inward, and is an example of both empathy (putting yourself in someone else’s shoes) and sympathy (feeling sad, sorry, or distressed on someone’s behalf without necessarily putting yourself in their situation).
It could be argued that all love is compassionate love. Indeed, some would argue that love is not loving at all unless it is coupled with compassion. On the other hand, affection and attachment without compassion are far more akin to infatuation or obsession than love. While it is not entirely true that love cannot be felt without also feeling compassion, love is best and most effectively put into practice when compassion is present.
Tune in for more…
I made a change almost eight years ago. Oh, you’re always changing as you grow some of which is automatic and unnoticeable but this was a dramatic shift that I orchestrated. It was time for a change and I was ready to change. For me, it was a crossroads of sorts that inspired my need for more. I had spent too much emotional, physical, and financial resources trying to control others. At the beginning of this journey, I was convinced that with more effort and energy things would work out just as I intended. It was clear to me that I had the solution to happiness if everyone would just follow my lead. Of course, in my mind, this was all about love. I loved these people and wanted the best for them…..or so I thought. So I kept pushing and pulling, demanding and bargaining but no matter what I did, they did what they wanted. Most of which was not in my magic plan for success. So I was frustrated and hard on myself thinking I should be doing more. What was I missing here? Why wouldn’t these people want to be happy? Didn’t they love me enough to change?
It’s amazing how you can believe that and without a shadow of a doubt, insist that you’re right.
Not really sure what the final straw was 8 years ago. I believe it was a convergence of ideas and experiences that finally released the pickle jar lid – but I got it. No one is going to change to meet my expectations. You see, they are MY expectations no theirs. All I could do is find love without expectations – compassion. I had to let people live their lives, make mistakes, pick themselves up, and carry on all without my interference. Easy task – of course not. I had deeply rooted compulsive behaviors and how could I think I could change others when I wasn’t even getting it right!
So I started working on me. Getting healthy, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Coming face-to-face with all my idiosyncrasies, owning them, learning from them, forgiving myself, and forging on in a new direction.
I am inherently compassionate and do love people and want to see them succeed. I just had my approach all wrong. Nothing that can’t be righted with a little work. Now I encourage instead of control and inspire instead of demand. But first I connect, listen, and understand. This is their life and sometimes they just want to share and be heard. No need to rush to the rescue which frees me up a great deal to love without expectation.
The term unconditional love does not mean love without limits or bounds. It means, “I offer you my love freely without condition.” This means that when we offer our love, we offer it without expectation of repayment. It is important to offer this type of unconditional love in our relationships. Otherwise, we are offering love with “strings attached.” This creates power and control imbalances.
Conditional love might sound like this:
- “I always gave you so much love, and this is the thanks I get?”
- “Your father and I wanted you to become a doctor. We did everything for you, and now we are disappointed with your choice to be an artist.”
- “I cannot believe that is who you are marrying! I would think you’d respect me more than that after all of the love I gave you.”
It is healthy to offer your love without strings attached. Otherwise, we are not truly loving the other person. Rather, we are using affection as a tool to control. It is not healthy to offer love without boundaries….
So many times it comes down to first loving yourself. We hear this mantra and see the quotes or memes so often it seems a bit cliche, like live, laugh, love. But let’s be real, how can you fully and wholeheartedly love someone else if you can’t love yourself.
What does loving yourself even mean? Well, it starts with showing yourself the same kindness, patience, respect, and forgiving spirit that you show others. Are you going to make mistakes – yes. Are you going to like everything about yourself – no. Can you love yourself but still desire to change aspects of your life – of course! Self-acceptance doesn’t mean settling for who you are and where you are without the desire for change. It’s being mindful about those things, accepting that where you are and who you are right now is ok and then having patience with yourself as you grow and change.
- Become aware of your inner voice
- Take control of your inner voice
- Treat yourself like a child…with a gentle tone, love, and kindness
- Love yourself emotionally and physically
CHALLENGE: be gentle with love, for yourself and with others. Encourage & inspire instead of controlling and bargaining. You can have a deep capacity for love by first expanding the love for yourself through self-awareness and acceptance.
I Know YOU Can Do It!